Girls With Comics

I would not be able to fly, or to eat crazy amounts of food without getting fat. I would want to be Death. Not the Sandman character. Just…Death. I would be a sexy Death too. Besides being a hot Death, I would have a giant robot. You can only be a bad ass Death with a giant Death-Bot. It would be in the shape of a unicorn with a fire horn. I would require Kiss to play whenever I showed up. Kiss is amazing and cheesy. There would be lots of fire, and little cartoon monsters all around me. It would be an awesome Lady Gaga like acid trip. In short, that shit would be FIERCE.

-Lauren

I got two tickets for an advanced screening of Kick Ass for tomorrow night at 7:30. If this movie does not rock my socks with awesomely over the top violence, I will burn the theater to the ground.

-Lauren

So I see movies really late. I saw Alice tonight (not in 3D since that crap gives me a headache) and was more or less surprised by it. I like that it is NOT a remake of the well-known Disney animated one, but rather a “sequel” (I guess), or just an adaptation of ‘Through The Looking Glass’. Whatever, it was a pretty good movie. The acting was good, the costumes were delicious, and I got the strange feeling Hatter and Alice would have hooked up and had crazy babies if she stayed.

I however had my doubts. I do not like Tim Burton. All of his movies look the same. I can dig a good Hot Topic goth movie like the rest of us, but I get it. You’re weird. Your wife and Mr. Depp are always in your movies as of late. Every blue moon you have a movie that is not gothy or trying to be gothy, but whenever I think of you I frankly think of Hot Topic at Christmas time when it looks like Nightmare Before Christmas threw up in there. Also, lay off the motherfucking CGI. Did Crispin McFly Glover really need to have  a CG body? It looked stupid. His CG horse was also really stupid. Was it not in the budget for a real horse? Seriously how much can it be to rent a horse. I bet paying for all of that CG could have rented you like, 50 horses. Or something.

And please find a new composer. I know that you and Danny Elfman are in a rad bromance, but he is a shitty composer. When the movie opened it sounded like the opening for Batman (1989) and Spider-Man. I expected them BOTH to accidently walk into the movie. He can not come up with new music. He is terrible and over rated. Disney got Elton John to do music for the Lion King, I’m sure you could have found someone better and more creative.  Danny Elfman reached his peak around the time he was in Oingo Boingo. There is no going back after you leave a band with a name like that. Literally.

I am however happy to see Crispin Glover getting work again. Hot Tub Time Machine was hysterical, by the way.

-Lauren

As a child, I loved all things Batman. As an adult, not much has changed. I watched the original four Batman movies (well, I don’t count the Adam West or the movie series from the 40’s) recently. Growing up, Michael Keaton was Batman to me. He was menacing as Batman, yet charming as Batman. He was also hot to me, but I was like 3 so what did I know. Tim Burton also created, what I thought at the time, was a perfect Batman world. In actuality it was the set of Beatlejuice (ok so not really, but seriously all of his movies look the same). Then came Val Kilmer. He sucked. However, his suckitude was no where near the disaster known as Batman and Robin, aka Bat Nipples The Movie.

Uma Thurman, a normal great actress, really fucking blew as Poison Ivy. Ivy is my favorite Batman villain, but I feel she just can not translate well onto the big screen. The Governator as Mr. Freeze was also a crime against humanity. George Clooney and that dude who played Robin (I’m too lazy to Google, shut up.) also sucked balls. No one took this movie seriously. I’m glad they didn’t. Oh, and Batgirl was just useless and fucking stupid.

The best thing about this movie? It makes an AMAZING drinking game. Take one shot every time Mr. Freeze says a cold related pun. Take two shots every time the Bat People throw their Batarangs. Take three every time Ivy makes a flora or fauna joke. Down the rest of the tequila/Jameson/whatever if you’ve made it through an hour of the movie without turning it off.

-Lauren

Can. Not. Wait. For. This. Movie.

-Lauren