I hate Twilight more than Aquaman

Tonight my man and I decided we wanted to do something nice and funny, and go to the movies. In my area we have a $3 movie theater. They get all of the first run movies about 3 months later, and the ticket prices are mad cheap. Well, all they had was Twilight New Moon, so we saw it. We have seen Twilight and we got a kick out of it because it was really unintentionally funny, so what the hell.

I don’t like vampires to begin with, but they aren’t the worst things ever. I enjoy True Blood and Dracula so I’m not totally anti-vamp. I just hate the fucking vampire kids who used to hang around Hot Topic when I worked there. But I digress! Twilight, which is essentially about fucking forest fairies who don’t eat humans and glitter in the sunlight, is the worst piece of shit ever. The author is a fucking joke. Even Aquaman could write better than her and he’s a piece of shit too. The series teaches girls who are too fucking dumb to think for themselves that having an abusive boyfriend is O.K so long as he’s beautiful. It’s also honky dory to string along a guy who’s clearly nicer and better for you, because he’s not as beautiful. Oh and you’re only valid as a human (har har) so long as you have a beautiful boyfriend who fucking glitters in the sun.

New Moon the movie is gawd awful. Twilight was at least funny. It takes itself way too seriously, and everyone in the movie looks like they’d rather be getting fucked by a horse then actually trying to act. Kristin Stewart, who plays the brain dead protagonist, looks bored and blinks her eyes too fucking much. She can’t act, plain and simple. She’s not even pretty. The guy who plays Edward, whom I lovingly call ‘Foot Face’, honest to God looks like he’s in physical pain through the whole movie. I thought he was going to hurl on Kristin Stewart when Edward was dumping her in the woods. Her reaction to being dumped by the worlds most beautiful Foot Face? Why, she blinked, blinked some more, and then blinked. Eventually she tripped on a tree branch, fell on her knee, and then passed out. The last time I fell on my knee I bitched about it for 5 seconds and then got over it.

So in this movie there’s also CGI wolves. The CGI is fucking terrible. Now, if you can make me believe that Optimus Prime is real, then you can make me believe that these fucking wolves could fuck up someones life. And I don’t want to hear that “not in the budget” bullshit. This series has made millions of dollars off of 14 year old girls. Trust me, they have the money, but it’s clear even the fucking director doesn’t give a fuck. I can’t take anyone in the cast seriously as an actor, either. Everytime I see one of them in something non Twilight related, I laugh at them. I understand needing to collect a fucking paycheck, but this is too much. None of the characters have any chemistry between them. None. Not even Kristin Stewart and Foot Face. They look like they would rather be vomiting spiders than kissing each other.

Do you know the one good thing about this movie? It’s an effective form of birth control. My vagina shriveled up into itself and shot itself in the face. If I ever wind up having a kid, and I come home one day when they’re 12 or 13, only to find them enjoying this piece of shit or something just as stupid, I will beat my kids with a dolphin. I know I liked dumb shit as a kid, but at least Sailor Moon taught me to be a good friend and only fall for guys who get kidnapped by space witches.

-Lauren

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2 Responses to “I hate Twilight more than Aquaman”

  1. zuckuss2003 Says:

    Finally, something you hate more than Aquaman. This is good news.

  2. Girls with Comics Says:

    In my 23 years of being alive, there’s a lot of things I hate more than Aquaman. I just don’t talk about them.

    -L

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