Why I hate Aquaman

Aquaman is the most useless character in the whole comic book universe. My earliest memory of him was from watching Super Friends on Cartoon Network. He spoke to fish. Speaking to fish is pretty much useless no matter where the hell you are, unless of course you live in the sea or are The Sub Mariner, who is a bad ass mother fucker. He not only spoke to fish, but his bad ass rides included a giant sea-horse, fish on a leash (wouldn’t they just slip out of the collar?) or on the backs of two dolphins. He also had a jet ski, which was pretty cool and semi normal. If I’m drowning in the middle of the ocean, and my only savior is a man who is on the back of a sea-horse, I’ll just drown. It would be easier than having to explain to my friends why a man, wearing a pumpkin themed outfit on the back of a dolphin saved my life.

For whatever reason Superman thought it would be OK to let him into the Super Friends team, along side actual useful hero’s such as Batman, Wonder Woman, and Green Lantern. Maybe he did it out of pity, or because The Flash knew that shit was whack. Aquaman is just useless though. Unless something is happening in the ocean, what can he do? What if there’s a problem in space? Is he gonna get some space fish to fly him around? Probably not, because while he’s thinking about how he can be useful in space, Green Lantern took care of the problem and got laid by some space chick.

And, meanwhile, in the Hall of Justice, Aquaman is jerking off to The Little Mermaid because he’s fucking useless.

-Lauren

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